


New Years Group Chat

by Lanceeselhombre



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Betting, Bilingual Lance (Voltron), Blowtorches, Chugging contests, Collection of blackmail, Crack, Diapers, Disney Movies, Everyone gets so drunk, Fireworks, Friends shipping friends like cartoon characters, Keith and Shiro are Siblings, M/M, Matt is a little Shit, Memes, Mentions of bar hopping, Multi, New Years, Parties, Pidge is a little shit, Pranks, Sex Jokes, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Space Mom Allura (Voltron), Texan Keith (Voltron), christmas trees, lots and lots of memes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 02:36:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11773716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanceeselhombre/pseuds/Lanceeselhombre
Summary: The squad decides to throw a New Years Party. Things go haywire pretty quickly./Sorry but not sorry at the entire fandom/





	1. Making Plans

**Author's Note:**

> KFCyalater- Pidge  
> SpaceDaddy- Shiro  
> HunkyHunk- Hunk  
> Keef Kokaine- Keith  
> Lonce McLame- Lance  
> Memequeen- Allura  
> DoorMatt- Matt

~5:30 am~

Memequeen >>> The Squad  
Members: SpaceDaddy, Keef Kokaine, KFCyalater, Lonce McLame, DoorMatt, HunkyHunk

Memequeen: Guys

Memequeen: Guess what is coming up.

Keef Kokaine: The sun??

Memequeen: No i mean what event.

DoorMatt: Me and Shiro’s six month anniversary?

Lonce McLame: Me and Keith’s two week anniversary?

HunkyHunk: Finals?

Memequeen: You are all hopeless.

Keef Kokaine: *y’all’re

Lonce McLame: Keith it is too eARLY TO DEAL WITH YOUR CONTRACTIONS

Keef Kokaine: But seriously why tf are you up at five am

Memequeen: Because I am trying to prepare for the best night of my life

KFCyalater: Tf go back to bed it's too early for this shit

Lonce McLame: Go back to your pit gremlin

KFCyalater: Go back to McDonalds you nugget

HunkyHunk: Mmmmm nuggets

Memequeen: We are so off topic.

DoorMatt: We don't even know what the topic is ?

Memequeen: New Years is coming up and we need to have a party.

Keef Kokaine: Oh yeah

Memequeen: And we need to do something better than last year.

KFCyalater: What's wrong with bar hopping until 5 am?

Lonce McLame: I think she’s referring to me and Keith drunk dancing on tables

Keef Kokaine: I was a good dancer so many dudes were tipping me

DoorMatt: Still got videos

HunkyHunk: Hmu

DoorMatt: Sent a video

Lonce McLame: Look at Keith’s ass

Keef Kokaine: Leave my ass alone

Lonce McLame: That's not what you were saying last night ;)

Keef Kokaine: Oh my god

KFCyalater: TMI stay out of the group chat with your gay sex jokes

SpaceDaddy: Wow I never imagined Keith as a bottom

Keef Kokaine: You come to discuss my sex life but you ignore Allura waking us up at 5 for a goddamn party

SpaceDaddy: I've been up for an hour

Lonce McLame: wtf why

SpaceDaddy: I go to the gym every morning

DoorMatt: How else would he get those gains?

SpaceDaddy: <3

DoorMatt: <3

KFCyalater: Get out of this family

DoorMatt: R00D

SpaceDaddy: Pidge

KFCyalater: Shiro

SpaceDaddy: Pidge

KFCyalater: Takashi

SpaceDaddy: Katie

KFCyater: jajdbgd

Memequeen: cAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON TOPIC?!?!

Memequeen: Who is hosting the party because you all are not trashing my house again.

Memequeen: Keith do not correct me with your southern slang.

Keef Kokaine: fuq

Lonce McLame: Not my place unless ya want kids jumping on your beds

DoorMatt: We got plenty of room at my place Mom and Dad will be out of town

KFCyalater: You are seriously offering our place

DoorMatt: Yeah why not?

KFCyalater: We already have Shiro and Keith living with us

KFCyalater: I already have to deal with one gay couple I refuse to deal with two

SpaceDaddy: R00d

Lonce McLame: We are not a gay couple

HunkyHunk: You're two boys dating each other

Lonce McLame: You got me there

Keef Kokaine: men*

SpaceDaddy: Keith you're 16

Keef Kokaine: Says the 6 year old

SpaceDaddy: I regret telling you all my birthday every moment I'm alive

Keef Kokaine: <3

SpaceDaddy: <\3

Keef Kokaine: :O

Memequeen: So if we’re staying at the Holt house who is bringing what

HunkyHunk: Look at space mom keeping this derailing train from crashing

Memequeen: #myfavoriteson

HunkyHunk: #spacemomforpresident

Lonce McLame: I'll bring food

Keef Kokaine: I'll rent movies n shit

KFCyalater: We are not watching Disney movies on New Years

Lonce McLame: No Disney movies

Keef Kokaine: Fine I'll get something else

Lonce McLame: No documentaries on cryptids

KFCyalater: Betrayal

Keef Kokaine: Non believer

HunkyHunk: I'll help Lance with food and I'll bring decorations

Memequeen: Hunk gets me

Memequeen: Where tf is all of your New Years Excitement??

KFCyalater: New year new mistakes

SpaceDaddy: New Years means resolutioners hitting up the gym and stealing the equipment

Lonce McLame: Flu season starts after New Years

Memequeen: You uncultured quiznaks

KFCyalater: Allura watch your fucking language

SpaceDaddy: Don't make me come over to your houses with a bar of soap

KFCyalater: I live with you

Memequeen: k i n k y

Lonce McLame: Gross

Keef Kokaine: If we’re done talking about the party can i please go back to sleep? I have a class in 3

Memequeen: Just mute us

Keef Kokaine: If i mute I’ll come back later to find you guys planning a Klance wedding

HunkyHunk: Aww Keith finally said our ship name for him and his bf

Lonce McLame: I can't believe you guys ship us like cartoon characters

KFCyalater: I see no difference

Keef Kokaine: Go to sleep

  
~6:00 am~

Memequeen >>> The Party Planners   
Members: HunkyHunk, SpaceDaddy, DoorMatt

Memequeen: We need to plan for this party without the children present

HunkyHunk: I believe I count as a child

Memequeen: I will remove you if you start memeing

HunkyHunk: Nope Im good

SpaceDaddy: Im bringing booze

SpaceDaddy: Allura is gonna be out like a light

Memequeen: Cannot confirm nor deny

HunkyHunk: Who is in charge of collecting blackmail?

DoorMatt: I vote Shiro

SpaceDaddy: I am pretty good at that

Memequeen: Get me a video of Klance kisses and I'll pay you $20

SpaceDaddy: Done

DoorMatt: We should make bets on what kind of shit is gonna go down

HunkyHunk: $20 says Lance is the first drunk

Memequeen: $50 says there will be sex

DoorMatt: Not in my room I swear to god

SpaceDaddy: You'll be fine it'll probably be in Keith’s room lol

DoorMatt: That's true

DoorMatt: $30 says Keith wets himself before ten

SpaceDaddy: That's not fair he always does that drunk

DoorMatt: I was given no restrictions

Memequeen: That's right we didn't make rules for the bets

HunkyHunk: Keith was fine that night when he was dancing on tables ?

DoorMatt: Lol not afterwards in the car

HunkyHunk: Wasn't he sitting on Lance’s lap bc there wasn't enough room for you guys?

DoorMatt: yep ;)

SpaceDaddy: I don't even think Lance noticed tbh

HunkyHunk: Lance says he doesn't remember this

Memequeen: Of course me and him had a drinking contest before that

DoorMatt: allancechugsbeer.jpeg

HunkyHunk: Lance was always a fast chugger

Memequeen: I can't believe he fucking beat me

SpaceDaddy: Gtg gym is calling me

DoorMatt: Bye Daddy

SpaceDaddy: <3

DoorMatt: <3

Memequeen: Keep your gayness to yourselves

HunkyHunk: So are we done discussing for now I have homework

Memequeen: Not really but we can continue later

 

~3:27 pm~

Lonce McLame >>> Keef Kokaine

Lonce McLame: Hey Keith I need a favor

Keef Kokaine: I am listening

Lonce McLame: Can I crash with you for the next week? My parents are out of town.

Keef Kokaine: Why can't you stay at your place?

Lonce McLame: My mother doesn't want me by myself

Keef Kokaine: Your mother doesn't make sense sometimes

Lonce McLame: So can I???

Keef Kokaine: …

Keef Kokaine: Fine

Lonce McLame: Tyyyyyyyyyy

Keef Kokaine: <3

Lonce McLame: <3

 

~5:36 pm~

Lonce McLame >>> Kids Zone  
Members: HunkyHunk, Keef Kokaine, KFCyalater

Lonce McLame: We have to figure out some fun stuff to do at Allura’s party

HunkyHunk: Why not leave it to Allura Shiro and Matt?

Lonce McLame: Because they are adults

Keef Kokaine: I don't see a point to this argument

KFCyalater: Translation: Lance wants to do some stupid shit

HunkyHunk: Didn't Lance veto Disney movies tho??

Lonce McLame: Fuck you all

Keef Kokaine: You cheating bitch

Keef Kokaine: Have fun getting inside the apartment tonight

KFCyalater: ?

HunkyHunk: Lance is staying with Keith for the next week. His family is out of town

KFCyalater: Oh

Lonce McLame: Wait no Keith

Lonce McLame: Keith???

KFCyalater: He’s left his phone and locked the door

KFCyalater: He is now unburying his nerf gun

Lonce McLame: How would you know?

KFCyalater: We’re watching documentaries on cryptids

Lonce McLame: of fucking course

Lonce McLame: But why his nerf gun?

KFCyalater: “I'm gonna pelt that bitch’s ass like a coon in a tree on a hot summer day.” ~Keith Kogaine 2017

HunkyHunk: O shit his Texan side is showing

Lonce McLame: Hunk can I crash at your place?

HunkyHunk: Yeah of course

Keef Kokaine: No make him sleep outside

Lonce McLame: Bebe Im sorry forgive me?

Keef Kokaine: No

Lonce McLame: You can bring Disney movies to Allura’s party

Keef Kokaine: …

Keef Kokaine: Fine

Lonce McLame: Thx bebe <3

Keef Kokaine: <\3

Lonce McLame: :O

KFCyalater: Are you two done fighting like an old married couple

Lonce McLame: Im offended

Lonce McLame: But yes

Lonce McLame: So fun things for the party

KFCyalater: I want to wear my pikachu onesie

HunkyHunk: You still fit that thing?

KFCyalater: Stfu Hunk I know I'm smol

Lonce McLame: The smallest bean

KFCyalater: The biggest dick

Lonce McLame: If I could type the Lenny face I would

KFCyalater: *~*

Keef Kokaine: I have a lion onesie

HunkyHunk: I guess me and Lance have to get onesies then

Lonce McLame: I want a vaporeon onesie

HunkyHunk: I don't think they make those?

Lonce McLame: theyexist.jpeg

HunkyHunk: I stand corrected

Lonce McLame: So what else

KFCyalater: Peanut butter

Keef Kokaine: Why

HunkHunk: She gets cravings when she is drunk

Keef Kokaine: I thought Pidge was too young

KFCyalater: Fuck you so are you

Lonce McLame: Stay away from my boyfriend

KFCyalater: I don't want him you can have him

Keef Kokaine: ;-;

KFCyalater: And either way I helped save the fucking universe I think I'm allowed to drink

HunkyHunk: She has a point

HunkyHunk: We should set up some pranks for the adults

Lonce McLame: This is why we are friends

KFCyalater: I am on board

Keef Kokaine: $20 says one of you sets off a trap

Lonce McLame: Lol probably still doing it though

Keef Kokaine: Bucket of water above the bathroom door after midnight

Lonce McLame: You sneaky ninja

KFCyalater: $5 says Shiro walks into that one

Lonce McLame: Only $5?

KFCyalater: stfu it's all I got

KFCyalater: Im not allowed to work yet leave me aLONE

HunkyHunk: I'll swap candy for moth balls

KFCyalater: Small and simple, the disarming prank

KFCyalater: I like how you think

HunkyHunk: #whatsapranksquadwithout #thesmartfriend

KFCyalater: #therealsmartfriend

HunkyHunk: I am never allowed to have the spotlight

KFCyalater: Don't worry we still love you Hunk

Lonce LcLame: Love ya buddy

Lonce McLame: Me and Hunk will figure out the rest

Lonce McLame: Lowkey hoping Keith will set off a prank

HunkyHunk: btw where is Keith ?

Lonce McLame: Showering

KFCyalater: Of course you would know

Lonce McLame: We are living together ofc

KFCyalater: But yes I agree he will most likely fall victim to your shenanigans

Lonce McLame: Hunk Im coming to your place to work out the details of the rest of the pranks

HunkyHunk: I have pizza on speed dial

Keef Kokaine: Have fun but you're not coming back at midnight expecting me to let you in

Lonce McLame: Fair enough

 


	2. Going Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Shiro go shopping in preparation for the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memequeen: Allura  
> SpaceDaddy: Shiro  
> HunkyHunk: Hunk  
> Keef Kokaine: Keith  
> Lonce McLame: Lance  
> DoorMatt: Matt  
> KFCyalater: Pidge

~3:45 pm~

SpaceDaddy >>> The Squad   
Members: Lonce McLame, Keef Kokaine, Memequeen, KFCyalater, DoorMatt, HunkyHunk

SpaceDaddy: Me, Allura and Matt are going shopping for the New Years party. Anyone want us to get anything?

DoorMatt: So far we are getting snacks and utensils and plates, the normal stuff

KFCyalater: Ya better get me some peanut butter

DoorMatt: We already have some

KFCyalater: That will not last me a night

SpaceDaddy: We have three entire jars.

Memequeen: Holy shit how much peanut butter do you eat?

KFCyalater: Fucktons

DoorMatt: Fine, what else

Keef Kokaine: Fireball

SpaceDaddy: Already on the list ;)

Keef Kokaine: Ty Shiro <3

SpaceDaddy: Gotchu lil bro <3

Lonce McLame: Who’s cheating now hypocrite?

KFCyalater: incest XD

Keef Kokaine: Ew no why tf would I date my brother

SpaceDaddy: ;-;

SpaceDaddy: Im hurt

Keef Kokaine: You have Matt you'll get over it

DoorMatt: Adding diapers to the list

Keef Kokaine: Fuck you no

DoorMatt: Yes

SpaceDaddy: I can't believe you're going to go through with that

HunkyHunk: Um, did I miss something?

Memequeen: Yeah I'm lost too

DoorMatt: I don't want Keith pissing on the couches. If he’s drinking he wears diapers

SpaceDaddy: For those who are unaware Keith is a drunk pisser

Keef Kokaine: I WILL NOT WEAR DIAPERS

DoorMatt: Name one time you've been drunk and haven't wet yourself

Keef Kokaine: …

DoorMatt: My point

HunkyHunk: Then just don't sit on the couches

Keef Kokaine: No my butt will hurt

Lonce McLame: It'll be hurting by the end of the night either way [insert Lenny face]

Keef Kokaine: Stay away from me you pedophile

Lonce McLame: Why must you attac me

SpaceDaddy: Idc what you two do but stay safe okay

Lonce McLame: No promises

DoorMatt: Stay tf out of my room or you lose your dicks

Keef Kokaine: fuq

Lonce McLame: k i n k y

Memequeen: How can you joke like that when your manhood was just threatened

Lonce McLame: I'm hiding my fear behind jokes

Lonce McLame: Stop outting me

KFCyalater: Is no one going to mention how Lance spelled attac?

Lonce McLame: [insert Lenny face]

KFCyalater: Stop texting that and get the damn keyboard

Lonce McLame: No too much work

Lonce McLame: I'm too lazy for that

HunkyHunk: Can you guys find me a onesie while you're out?

Memequeen: We can try

HunkyHunk: Ty

DoorMatt: Im getting another tank for the blowtorch

Memequeen: ??? (0-0)

Memequeen: Blowtorch???????

KFCyalater: Every year we burn our Christmas tree on New Years

HunkyHunk: It's a weird Holt tradition

Keef Kokaine: Speak for yourself it's lit af

HunkyHunk: That's because you're a pyromaniac

Keef Kokaine: shit u right

Memequeen: Sometimes i wonder what the hell I was thinking when I thought you guys would be good friends

KFCyalater: Tf we are good friends

HunkyHunk: You get used to the weird stuff eventually

SpaceDaddy: ‘get used to’

Keef Kokaine: ‘eventually’

Memequeen: In this chat alone you guys have decided to put Keith in diapers and burn a goddamn Christmas tree with a blow torch like a cult ritual

DoorMatt: I see no problems

KFCyalater: Honestly that's normal compared to our usual shit

Memequeen: Do I want to ask

HunkyHunk: No you don't

KFCyalater: Last year Lance lit himself on fire and did that thing where you jump off the roof into the pool

Lonce McLame: I forgot the pool would be frozen because it was fucking January

SpaceDaddy: I am stilled horrified that there were no fire extinguishers in the house

Memequeen: I will pray for your safety

KFCyalater: I need no prayer

Keef Kokaine: I guess you could say

Keef Kokaine: Lance was hot ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Lonce McLame: Im crying that was a beautiful pun

Keef Kokaine: Im here all night

SpaceDaddy: You better be asleep by 11

Keef Kokaine: mAkE mE

DoorMatt: O shit

Lonce McLame: Ptfffff Keith has a bed time?

Keef Kokaine: I DO NOT

DoorMatt: Yeah he becomes a giggling mess by midnight

Lonce McLame: Pics

Keef Kokaine: dO nOT sEND

SpaceDaddy: sent a video

DoorMatt: mrgigglez.jpeg

Keef Kokaine: Y’all’re dead to me

Lonce McLame: You all are****************

SpaceDaddy: But I'm buying you fireball :(

DoorMatt: And I'm buying you diapers :(

Keef Kokaine: Matt I will murder you if you put me in one

DoorMatt: Then I'll let Lance do it

Lonce McLame: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

KFCyalater: So now you get the keyboard

Lonce McLame: Naw I asked Hunk for it in a private chat

HunkyHunk: Can confirm

Keef Kokaine: I will murder Lance too

KFCyalater: Lazy quiznak

Memequeen: Swear in your own language

KFCyalater: Lazy fuck

Memequeen: Ty

SpaceDaddy: Last chance to ask us to buy stuff

HunkyHunk: Get a fire extinguisher

Memequeen: plz

DoorMatt: You children and your safety

HunkyHunk: And I need some cinnamon for the food I'm cooking

SpaceDaddy: Hunk is the only one asking for normal things

KFCyalater: Wtf peanut butter is normal

SpaceDaddy: Not when you want enough to bathe in

KFCyalater: That's a great idea why haven't I thought of that before

DoorMatt: Oh shit

SpaceDaddy: Oops

DoorMatt: You clean the bathtub after

SpaceDaddy: Yeah I cornered myself into that one

DoorMatt: We’re shopping before you guys ask for weirder shit

  
~5:27 pm~

  
DoorMatt: Yo look what I found

DoorMatt: lightupmylivingroom.jpeg

KFCyalater: Yes

Keef Kokaine: You bought fireworks

DoorMatt: And not the whimpy kind either ;)

Memequeen: We are all going to die.

SpaceDaddy: We also got stuff for smores

Lonce McLame: Why?

SpaceDaddy: It would be a waste to burn a tree and not cook smores

HunkyHunk: Wouldn't you like...die from the fumes?

DoorMatt: No we use real trees

HunkyHunk: That doesn't comfort me as much as you think it does

KFCyalater: Lighten up its called ‘seasoning’

Keef Kokaine: Yum I love the taste of imminent death

Lonce McLame: Its not as funny if you use big words

Keef Kokaine: Stfu Lance

Lonce McLame: Go to bed Texas its past your bedtime

Keef Kokaine: Um fuck you it's only 6

Lonce McLame: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

KFCyalater: Why must everything be a sex joke

HunkyHunk: He’s a horny teenage boy leave him alone

Lonce McLame: ;-;

DoorMatt: Also Keith what’s your pants size?

Keith Kokaine: Not telling

SpaceDaddy: Size 5

DoorMatt: Ty babe

Keith Kokaine: Betrayed

Keith Kokaine: I know exactly why he’s asking I can't believe you told him

SpaceDaddy: Sorry but you know he would still buy the diapers and might get the wrong size

SpaceDaddy: Im pretty sure you would rather have them in your size if you're getting forced into it

Keef Kokaine: …

Keef Kokaine: Im still pissed off at you

SpaceDaddy: I'll make it up to you

Keef Kokaine: You better

Lonce McLame: Lmao Keith good word choice

Lonce McLame: Does tha

HunkyHunk: Lance??

KFCyalater: Oml

KFCyalater: getfuckedLance.jpeg

SpaceDaddy: Omg

DoorMatt: That is fucking beautiful I can't

HunkyHunk: How did he do that so fast I'm-

Memequeen: Someone tell me what's happening the pic isn't loading

KFCyalater: Keith has duct taped Lance to the ceiling of the Holt residence

DoorMatt: Rip Lance 2017

HunkyHunk: There is no furniture around too how the hell

SpaceDaddy: Im scared to go home now

SpaceDaddy: Allura I'll take some prayer

Memequeen: I gotchu fam.

KFCyalater: Yeah Shiro maybe come home with a taser

KFCyalater: O s

HunkyHunk: What is happening at your house Matt?!?!?

DoorMatt: Lol

DoorMatt: It appears my house has become the set for Predator

SpaceDaddy: Keith will pick us off one by one

DoorMatt: Still getting diapers

Keef Kokaine: longlivethepidgeon.jpeg

Keef Kokaine: Matt you're next

HunkyHunk: IM-

SpaceDaddy: Hunk I'm staying at your place tonight.

HunkyHunk: Guest bed is made

SpaceDaddy: Thank you

DoorMatt: Shiro dONT LEAVE ME

SpaceDaddy: I would like to sleep without having to fear for my life

Memequeen: Pidge’s wings have been clipped.

Keef Kokaine: myhostages.jpeg

Memequeen: Coran is currently dying next to me.

HunkyHunk: At least they get to suffer together

DoorMatt: Im so fucked

Memequeen: Btw guys Coran is coming to the party.

HunkyHunk: Yes

SpaceDaddy: He’s back from Australia?

Memequeen: Yes he is.

HunkyHunk: Add him to the conversation

Memequeen: I can't his phone broke while he was in Australia.

Memequeen: We are getting him a new one tomorrow

SpaceDaddy: Okay then add him once he has his new phone

Memequeen: Hey guys ^^

Memequeen: Allura is letting me borrow her phone to talk to you

HunkyHunk: Yo

SpaceDaddy: Hey Coran Matt says hi he is driving rn

Memequeen: Hello

Memequeen: Where is the rest of the group?

HunkyHunk: Scroll up

Memequeen: Oh my.

Memequeen: I will also send prayers

Keef Kokaine: Hey Coran

Memequeen: Hello

SpaceDaddy: Keith me and Matt are almost home

SpaceDaddy: Please don't kill me

Keef Kokaine: No promises

HunkyHunk: Shiro I'll see you in a twenty?

SpaceDaddy: Hopefully

Keef Kokaine: sent a video

Memequeen: Tell Pidge and Lance I said hello as well ^^

HunkyHunk: At least they got to say their final goodbyes

Memequeen: May I ask what is happening for the party? Allura hasn't told me much.

HunkyHunk: Well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.


End file.
